These Are a Jew of my Favorite Things

Fagin smells an opportunity

It is a known fact that Jews have always, and still do rule the world. And in my opinion, they've done a pretty damn good job so far. I mean where would we be without Seinfeld? Some have criticized Jews for being innately greedy; money-grubbing shiesters who hoard for their own social and political mobility. While this may be true for some, and possibly a vast majority, the Jews I am about to list each has done something to shape the person I am today, hopefully for the better. Damned be Shakespeare and Dickens who on many occasions in their writing have surfaced the worst attributes the Jew has to offer. Shylock in The Merchant of Venice and Fagin in Oliver Twist are characterized by their hook noses and general deceptive and "devilish" nature. Boo to thee I say. Big noses offer constant opportunity for new olfactory sensations and deceptiveness is a very underrated quality nowadays. When it boils down to it, only Jew CEOs are evil, and that goes for any Gentile one too. If we've went to the movies, turned on the TV or even flipped through a newspaper lately, we have to credit Jews for entertaining us. Thank you. Here is some important wisdom, life lessons and qualities I've gleaned from Jews lately:

 Jeff Goldblum
Despite a Jew-y look, you can still speak and act cool as hell

After I see an interview or film with Jeff Goldblum I'm always convinced he is the coolest person in the world. The way he talks and presents himself on stage is a testament to the long heritage of Jewdom, yet the way he does it is unique. Take any scene in Jurassic Park for 

 example. When he is talking to Laura Dern's character in the car (right before you hear the T-Rex coming), the audience cannot help but feel his overt suaveness and sexuality practically spewing all over. And who wouldn't want a nice heaping batch of Goldblum spew? For literal Goldblum spew see The Fly.                     

 

                                            

Woody Allen 

Hating yourself and other people make you smart

Last year I saw a bunch of Woody Allen movies and they all were great. Yet I noticed a change in my personality, I started to become more receptive about annoying little nuances about myself and others, even the positive nuances pissed me off. Even before I watched any of his films, I thought Woody to be an important, if not the most important Jew Filmmaker, the "Head Honchew" if you will. The excess of Woody movies within a month kinda distorted me: I took Freud as absolutley relevant, considered seeking therapy, and most shocking didn't think of New York City as "that bad of a place". My Woody obsession softened and so did my conscious analysis of irrelevant idiosyncrasies, yet I still found Woody to be sweet because he doesn't suck Hollywood's massive, veiny cock like other "independent" filmmakers do. Like Diane Keaton says in Annie Hall: "You're what Grammy Hall would call a real Jew". 

                               

 

Larry David

Everything in life has the potential to be hilarious

Larry David can be credited with writing, producing, and/or acting in two of the funniest if not most important shows of all time: Seinfeld and Curb Your Enthusiasm. Then, it comes as no surprise that David reigns supreme as King Jew of the entertainment industry. We all know his writing is based on the everyday experience, which (as evident in his shows) comes off as naturalistic

and compatible to the average shlub. If we look at the vast collection of Seinfeld and Curb episodes, comedic freshness is based upon the current. That is, pop-culture references, intertextuality, self-reflexivity, universal human emotions and circumstantial cause-and-effect, always in the scope of one day, a true slice of life. In true Jew fashion though, David's works always contain, and usually end with the absurd. 

 Jesus Christ

Real or not, dudes got a point

I believe The Bible to be one of the greatest works of fiction ever. It contains sweet stories about killing and sex and whales and lepers. I'm not here to debate the historical validity of the book or the existence of "God" but I will tell you about a guy named Jesus. Take em as real, take em as a character, take em as you will, Jesus was a solid dude. He preached living a moral life (by anyone's standards), detested the rich and powerful, and hated materialism.  Its ironic that currently the immoral, rich and powerful and materialistic (along with the lower class) are Jesus' main demographic, but nonetheless, however cliched it sounds, christian and atheist alike, think of what Jesus would do. Either him or Mike Lang.